THINGS: Pictures with Santa Are (kind of) Like Meetings with the Dean

Well, folks, the Christmas season is here! 

Now that we've all tolerated those fake made-up, commercialized holidays like Halloween and Thanksgiving, we can get to the real holiday we all look forward to: Christmas. 

Confession time: This is actually the first year I have listened to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Usually this is my sentiment about the holidays, but I just couldn't resist the crooning of Michael Bublé and the cheeriness of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." My sincerest apologies. 

There are plenty of things about the Christmas season to look forward to. First, there's the fabulous launch of Black Friday. 

Just a note on naming things after colors: I've noticed that if it's named after a color, it's usually a disease. Black lung, Black Death, Black Plague, yellow fever, scarlet fever, jaundice, red measles, pink eye. Black Friday...conveys my sentiments exactly.

Here in America, we’ve decided it would be a good idea to make this madness last two days and put our laziness to work; I give you “Cyber Monday”! Next, you've got the longest marathon of tacky original movies ever (Thanks, ABC's "25 Days of Christmas"!) And then there are all the chaotic, traffic-filled shopping malls you love. Don't forget the joy of choosing a Christmas tree (if you haven't copped out and bought a fake one yet) and the entire festivity that is decking the halls. You get to again realize that you suck at cutting pretty paper and using Scotch tape properly. You’re blessed with the symphony of ringing doorbells as boy scouts and other small children walk miles to sell you popcorn and chocolates and giftwrap and other useless crap. And this year, on top of all of that, you have the joy of worrying about the end of 13pik in the Maya Long Count calendar!

            Don’t worry, guys. My archaeology TA is Mayan and she promised me that the world wouldn’t end.

Am I forgetting anything?

Ah, yes! The wonderful privilege of having your photograph taken with the one and only Santa Claus!

You see, though he is only one man, Santa has somehow found a way to be in every mall, town hall, and children’s store simultaneously. I don’t know about you, but I’m impressed. Such a skill would be priceless. I’m not entirely sure where in the parenting handbook it says to place your child on the lap of a complete stranger impersonating a 4^th c Greek saint, but my parents followed the handbook.

I remember it being quite an ordeal. Mom would buy matching formal outfits for you and your sister. Matchy-matchy all the way! After at least 30 minutes of hair-doing and tights-straightening, Mom said you looked “so cute!” You turn to your sister and give her the let’s-get-this-over-with look.

Pile into the car! You’ve done this since you were born. But you can’t really remember. You were only, like, a baby then. And now you’re four, so it’s really different, you know?

Mom tries to explain what’s going to happen in her best Christmas cheer voice. You were too little to understand just how strange the entire concept was, so you just went along with it. Something about a picture, smiling, not pulling your sister’s hair this year, and Santa.

SANTA.

There was something in it for you: the wish. When it was your turn, you could tell Santa just what you hoped he’d bring you on Christmas morning. The pressure is on. What to say? You’d been making that wish list since last Christmas, and now you had to pick just one thing that you wanted the most?! Well, you had some time to think about it. You brought your list with you and mom can read it to you while you wait in line behind all those other suckers who think they’re the best kids there. Santa knows, guys. You’re all getting coal.

Your turn. Alright: picture? Check. Smiling? Check. Not pulling sister’s hair this year? Eh…Ok fine. Santa?

“SANTA?! I know him!”

Yes! This is your moment, kiddo. You’ve waited since last year. Don’t freeze up. You’ve gotta say…uh… oh! That’s right!

“Mister Santa, can I please have a pink puppy?”

Phew. Alright, that went pretty well.

And there you have it! Evidence of your successful endeavor is later placed in a frame and set on the mantel for all of the weird relatives to marvel at on Christmas morning.

We're Santa's favorites

But now that I’m all grown up, I don’t get to tell Santa what I want anymore. I don’t take wear matchy-matchy outfits with Camille and have funny pictures taken with a stranger in a pretend beard and a red suit.

I’m a serious university student now. And university scholars don’t have pictures with Santa, they have meetings with the Dean, like I had on Monday.

It turns out that the Dean is quite like Santa in some ways. And meetings with the Dean, essentially elevator pitches, are kind of like taking a picture with Santa.

It’s quite an ordeal. Mom helps you choose a formal outfit. Preppy all the way! After at least 30 minutes of hair-doing and tights-straightening, Mom says you look “so cute!” You turn to your roommate and give her the let’s-get-this-over-with look.

Run across campus! You’ve done this since you were in middle school. It’s just a teacher conference of sorts. But you can’t really remember. You were only, like, a baby then. And now you’re nineteen, so it’s really different, you know?

The office assistant tries to explain what’s going to happen in her best collegiate cheer voice. You were too little to understand the entire concept, so you just went along with it. Something about forms you had to fill out, smiling, not pulling any funny business, and the Dean.

THE DEAN.

There was something in it for you: the wish. When it was your turn, you could tell the Dean just what you hoped she’d approve for you – a custom major called Cosmopolitanism. The pressure is on. What to say? You’d been working on this idea since last year, and now you had just one meeting to express the entire premise of the major you wanted most?! Well, you had some time to think about it. You brought your list with you and you can read it to you while you wait in line behind all those other suckers who think they’re the smartest kids there. The Dean knows, guys. Your majors aren’t as cool as mine.

Your turn. Alright: forms? Check. Smiling? Check. Not pulling any funny business? Eh…Ok fine.

The Dean? Yes!

This is your moment, kiddo. You’ve waited since last year. Don’t freeze up. You’ve gotta say…uh… oh! That’s right!

“Dean Bergquist, I would like to create my own major called Cosmopolitanism. I have all of the paperwork right here and I’d love to chat about proposing it as a departmental major.”

Phew. Alright, that went pretty well.

And there you have it! A beautiful, signed and approved form; evidence of your (hopefully) successful endeavor will later be placed in a frame and set on the mantel for all of the weird relatives to marvel at on Christmas morning.

Psych! I totally took a picture with Santa this year. Merry start of the Christmas season!

That's little, enthusiastic me in the bottom right!

THINGS: Hurricane Sandy Is (kind of) Like a Werewolf

Happy Halloween, everyone! In honor of this spooky holiday, it seems only appropriate to devote this week's post to the most frightening topic of the day.

Hurricane Sandy, with her 85 mph winds and 450-mile reach, is certainly a monster. No argument there.

But “Frankenstorm”? Really?

While I understand that whoever nicknamed this hurricane must have thought they were devilishly clever for replacing “stein” with “storm” (pat yourself on the back, buddy) I would like take a moment to deconstruct this little comparison, and perhaps propose an alternate theory.  

The name Frankenstorm does correctly note that Hurricane Sandy is worse than the sum of its parts. Take a regular ol’ tropical storm and add some westward winds from Greenland plus a cold front from the Arctic and voilà! You have created a monster! (More on that here)

If you’re going to continue with this Frankenstein comparison, then the story naturally requires some kind of creator of the thing. Many have pointed the finger at climate change as responsible for the deadly combination of weather anomalies that is Sandy. Though it’s illogical to link a phenomenon such as a hurricane to climate change (because climate change is about long term patterns, and this would be more along the lines of what we like to call “weather), scientists are looking for the possible link between Sandy and that gum wrapper you just threw on the ground.

Adam Frank with NPR reports, “One thing that does seem clear is that warmer oceans (a la global warming) mean more evaporation, and that likely leads to storms with more and more dangerous rainfall of the kind we saw with Hurricane Irene last year.”

            Regardless, it’s comically spooky that the one thing that was completely ignored during the presidential campaigns, and, most obviously, at the final presidential debate at Lynn University, has come to wreck havoc on the election.

Obama and Romney ignore the challenge of climate change (David Horsey / LA Times / October 30, 2012) 

So here’s what I’m getting at:

If Hurricane Sandy was actually like Frankenstein, then…

1)    There would be someone who intentionally created the storm, preferably a mad scientist type

2)   People would run into the storm with pitchforks and torches instead of hiding in their houses for safety.

3)   The American public would finally realize that “Frankenstein” is the name of the doctor who creates the monster, not the monster itself! (The monster’s name is “Frankenstein’s monster” – sorry for the cliff-hanger there.)

...and his monster

Dr. Victor Frankenstein

This is just one of those pet peeves we English majors harbor against the general public. Please respect Mary Shelley's wonderful work of fiction by referring to her characters properly. Thanks!

Now, to replace this nonsensical comparison with my own!

Werewolves

Whether or not you believe in werewolves or are a Twilight fan is completely irrelevant to this discussion. For the sake of comparison, we will only be looking at the supposed facts about werewolves.

Firstly, it is well known that werewolves turn from their human form to their wolf form on the eve of the full moon.

Secondly, if you have any fear of being bitten by a wolf (were- or non-were-) it is wise to prepare yourself. The easiest way to protect yourself from a werewolf is to carry some kind of silver weapon.

Thirdly, (a tidbit you might not know) one method of curing someone from werewolfism (yes that’s the technical term) is exhaustion, meaning that essentially you just have to wait it out.

Hurricane Sandy

Full moon you say?  National Geographic kindly pointed out that the full moon, which occurred on October 29^th (dangerously close to Hallows Eve) is adding to the catastrophe of the storm. Because of the alignment of the Earth with the sun and the moon that occurs during a full moon, there is a stronger pull on the Earth than normal. “This pull can cause a bulge in the ocean that makes high tides a little higher than at other times of the month. These tides are known as “spring” tides, so-called because high tides spring up higher than usual,” reports Willie Drye with National Geographic News.

courtesy of National Geographic

Next, just as you can prepare for a werewolf attack, so too can you prepare for a massive hurricane. No silver weapons needed. (Take note, East coasters!...but seriously.) The federal government suggests that you prepare by:

-       Being aware of the latest forecast

-       Having cash on hand in case ATMs don’t work or the bank is closed

-       Have a plan for your family, business, and property

(Wait…in general? Duh. In that order? Hopefully!)

-       Assemble a disaster preparedness kit (including a sleeping bag, three days worth of food and water, a first aid kit, games, and more)

-       Purchase flood insurance

Well, I’d say that’s pretty similar to werewolf preparedness. You’ve gotta know where the werewolf is, have cash just in case, have a plan for your life (obviously), have a werewolf preparedness kit (minus the sleeping bag, plus a silver sword), and…go to your local voodoo shop and see what “insurance”-type spells you can conjure up.

Finally, if none of that works, the only way to really “cure” the storm is to wait it out. Exhaustion. Just like a werewolf.

It should be quite obvious by now that we should have nicknamed Hurricane Sandy something quite different. (Despite hours of attempting to come up with a clever werewolf and hurricane combo name, I’m stumped. Any suggestions?) Certainly, if there was ever a werewolf attack, I should hope that you are prepared and have a minimal knowledge of the beast.

You should probably also do exactly what the people of New England are doing amidst Hurricane Sandy: if you’re in a safe zone, stay where you are and wait it out. If you’re not in a safe zone, grab your disaster kit and run for your life.